Chasing appointments with the rectal bleed clinic

posted in: Cancer, Cancer and faith 0

I haven’t heard from the appointments team so my GP tells me to call them. If the wait is a month that’s okay, if they tell me it’s 2-3 months I am to tell her so that she can expedite things. ‘I have referred you as urgent so it shouldn’t be long. Try to remain positive’.

So now I have to tell Husband. He’s never been one to panic for no good reason so takes it well and is suitably sympathetic that I’m dreading fasting. He knows I am not good without food 🙂 . I feel such a fraud worrying about the possibility of cancer when he actually has it.

I can’t help but panic that I won’t live enough to look after Husband and dog. What if we both die young and Muttley becomes an orphan? He’s a lovely lad but he’s not easy to look after (lots and lots and lots of energy and a boundless enthusiasm for life that can be quite draining!). ‘Dear Lord please let me live long enough to look after my boys’.

I am really not afraid of dying but I am as scared as the next person about pain and discomfort en route. Our life seems to be full of long term projects and I feel I’m too behind to die 🙂 .

I also feel that while I’ve never been particularly materialistic it’s a bit of a bummer to work hard, save hard and then face the prospect of never getting to enjoy it at all – simply leaving it for heirs who are young and don’t actually need it. ‘Lord I’m clearly more materialistic than I thought – please help me to get a grip and a better perspective’.

The business is also giving us the headaches it always does at this time of year. It’s crazy that while we’re juggling doctors appointments I’m getting stressed by the business. I don’t know what I’m more stressed about – the possibility that I may die much earlier than I’d thought or the possibility (likelihood, I guess) that I’m going to be around for a while so have to keep working 🙂 .

I can’t help thinking what I’d do if I knew I only had a few months to live – apart from cuddle the dog, make the best arrangements I can for his future, sort out charitable bequests and read my Bible a lot. The problem is we never know. That’s probably best but it makes planning life rather awkward. How long is one planning for???

People say to live each day like it’s the last but if you do that and make it into old age you’ll have no money to live on. There’s probably a wide range of happy mediums but I’ve always had a tendency to the all or nothing approach.

Muttley has arrived on my lap, or rather half on my lap – he’s too big to fit on my lap unless I’m on the sofa 🙂 . He likes to stand with his back paws on the ground, his chest and front legs dangling over my lap, in a big cuddle. I must admit to sometimes stopping typing so that I can bury my face in his furry head and neck. Non dog people won’t get that 🙂 .

I call the appointments person. She’s really nice. That helps. I now have a date for the ‘Rectal Bleeding Clinic’. I didn’t know such a thing existed 🙂 . Apparently I am to have a sigmoidoscopy, which will just check the lower bowel and I won’t have to fast 🙂 . But I will have to have an enema. Oh good grief. Some people pay for those and swear they feel energised. Still, it has to be good news that I won’t have to starve myself while pretty much living in the bathroom for a day 🙂 . I have to just get on with it.

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