Post arrives. Aha. A hospital letter. We’re getting good at recognising them. I have an appointment to see a dermatologist. Wow, that’s quick. Mm. Same day as sigmoidoscopy – what a fun day we’ll have.
We have to go to a hospital some 40 miles away but we’re fortunate to be able to do that. Note the ‘we’. Husband is doing all the driving at the moment. My ME is making life difficult. Whatever the cancer results are the ME makes me feel simply too tired to go on. But go on I will, as long as God has in mind for me.
I’m thinking of the verse in Revelation – ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain’(Revelation 21:4). I can’t imagine a life without tears. I seem to have been crying since I was born – outwardly and inwardly. It’s wearying. I am worn. Soul worn.
It’s my own fault. Life saps emotional and spiritual energy. Only God can replenish that kind of energy but so often He’s been my last rather than first resort. Part of me just wants to contemplate and prepare for death. But that’s not living and it’s not what God wants us to do. We’re supposed to care for others, to share His love with a hurting world. We’re supposed to live, not just exist.