Blood test day

posted in: Cancer, Cancer and faith 0

The platelets are down again – a definite trend since March – but still just in the normal range at 151. The red cells are 100 so not much change from 102 last time but given everything else it probably indicates a trend – and not in the right direction.

Dr Inscrutable had probably suspected as much back in September when I asked him about the drop in platelets and he reminded me that they were still well within the normal range. Today his colleague agreed soberly with us that the trend appeared to be down: ‘if you want to be pessimistic things appear to be slipping slowly’, even though the numbers are still better than they were September last year when Husband was first investigated for anaemia.

Doc says they won’t be pushing for treatment yet but that it may not be that far away. I want to ask him what ‘not that far away’ might mean but dare not.

If the haemoglobin is still falling at 9 ‘we’ll need to do something but things can get quite a bit worse without compromising treatment so we can be quite relaxed at this stage’. That’s more than I am …

Husband doesn’t feel ill but admits freely that he can’t do what he used to be able to do. It’s hard to believe how ill he is when he looks well but he has aged. So have I… Cancer sucks.

5am wonderings – I need to think less about blood numbers and pray more. We focus on years, months, days, begging for more time. God exists outside the limits of time – days, even hours, feel so vital to us (and they are precious gifts) but they pale next to eternity.

I turn my thoughts away from the cancer a bit, to God. Thank you for all the times Husband didn’t die – when he had a road accident, sports accidents, operations. Thank you that we still have good days to look forward to, maybe even more car trips to Europe. If not we can make the most of the UK – we don’t need travel insurance for that 🙂 .

Thank you that I woke early and couldn’t go back to sleep because even after telling you all the things I’m scared about I can’t help but be conscious of lots of things to be hopeful and grateful for. Husband is sleeping, dog is snoozing but with half an eye open keeping watch over us. I feel better 🙂 .

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