I’m not sure why but I’ve been remembering the months when we watched anxiously to see how Husband’s ‘eczema’ was developing. We still don’t know exactly what was going on but we both knew that something was very wrong. His body seemed under siege, with headaches, nose bleeds and scary sad reddish brown oval patches on his lower legs and back. He seemed to age so fast. But at the moment he looks so different and has energy to work all day in the garden. He falls asleep in front of the tv after supper but he’s always done that!
The headaches, nose bleeds and skin patches are but a memory for now but it’s not that long ago. It feels longer ago than it is – it’s just over a year since he finished his last chemo.
We live in three month increments, blood tests and consultations as we seek permission to live, to do the things we want and need to do … or a treatment plan.
Husband says that he’s largely forgotten how ill he was and that he doesn’t often think about it. But today we have to because we’re waiting for the consultant to call with Husband’s latest blood results. I’ve been feeling sick to my stomach all morning waiting, trying to keep busy, anything to just keep functioning. He feels good but we just never know where we are with these cancers.
Dr Inscrutable rang with results that are so good we’re a bit in shock. Haemoglobin is up to 151 and proteins down to 2.6. Wow. Just wow. Doc explained that when shielding ends Husband can go out and about but must be very careful, keep a good distance from people, wear a mask etc. Husband asked if he could go back to work. The advice was surprisingly clear given that Dr Inscrutable rarely says anything definitive when asked for advice. He likes to stick to what he can see in terms of clinical signs and test results. His thoughts? “No, that would be dangerous. You can’t be around groups of people.”
So we have the decision made for us and we both feel lighter because of it. We were feeling rather guilty at not working, being on furlough. We couldn’t really see a way of working safely but wondered if we were overestimating the COVID risk. Apparently not.
So we have a plan for the next 3 months, and blood results that are so good we can’t believe it. I had feared the start of a slip in the blood numbers at best. As I walked across the garden this morning I admitted how scared I was to God, how I felt that I couldn’t cope. I prayed for continuing remission if possible, as I do each day, but feared it wouldn’t be. I felt wretched, admitted it, declared that whatever happened I would trust God. I don’t seem to be able to control let alone get rid of fear but I can decide to follow God come what may. There is peace even in fear and weakness. I just have to focus on God and not on myself. When I focus on his power and his love for his people nothing seems as fearful as it did.