Husband looks up from paperwork, looking rather drained. “Just so that you know, I’m not sure that I can do the MRI. But I’ll try.” He doesn’t want to talk about it because that means he has to think about it. He just doesn’t think he can face another one.
My brain goes into overdrive. I want to help but I know that he can’t talk about it and I don’t want to make things worse. He doesn’t really do stress but right now he looks vulnerable if you know how to see the cracks.
I tell myself that it’s best to focus on facts, on practical things that we can do. Asking him how he feels will not be helpful! So I Google to see if there’s anything we can do… MRI + claustrophobia… Yes! Then I ask him if I can call Radiology. “Yes”.
I call Radiology and explain that I’m going to get a sedative from the GP for him but would they please make a note that he gets claustrophobic. I also tell them that he doesn’t want to make a fuss, he just wants to “get on with it” but really isn’t sure if he can. They’re very understanding. I call the GP surgery, speaking to an overly busy receptionist. I apologise that I’m calling on a Friday afternoon for something we need for the following Monday. Fortunately she too is very understanding. A GP calls for a quick chat and says that she will prescribe two 5mg Diazepam (Valium). Fantastic. Their system shows our letters authorising them to speak to each of us as they would to the other so we can speak for each other. It is so very useful when things are stressful and we don’t want to have to talk about whatever test is coming up. He really can’t even face talking about it at the moment. GP seems surprisingly positive about him taking the Diazepam to help.
I march out into the garden. “You don’t have to think about this or do anything now. This is just to tell you that I’ve spoken to Radiology and I’ve got a prescription for Diazepam. It’s up to you whether or not you take it but at least you’ll have the option.” He nods. “Thank you.” It must be bad.
I go to collect the Diazepam, so very grateful for the understanding GP. Husband really doesn’t want to waste an NHS appointment but he’s not a small man and the standard MRI tube really leaves very little space around him. More than anything he’s dreading having to go into the machine head first and the knowledge that he can’t move, the feeling that he can’t get out. Of course that’s not true. You can press the magic button and stop at any point but he doesn’t want to do that. No-one does but it’s there for a reason.
So I spend the afternoon Googling what effect the Diazepam is likely to have. All we know is that he shouldn’t drive or drink alcohol the evening before or after taking Diazepam. I check drugs.com for possible drug interactions and double check with the pharmacist: no problem with Ibrutinib or the antibiotics Husband takes to help to protect him against infections. We have a plan. I like to have a plan.
MRI Day
We’re up early, taking one step at a time in as matter-of-fact a way as possible. Husband takes a Diazepam and I drive to the hospital. It doesn’t seem to have had much of an effect, although he feels very slightly lightheaded as he gets out of the car on that rather brave walk towards a machine he really doesn’t want to see. I walk the dog, praying that Husband can get through this.
Less than an hour later he reappears at the car, grinning. The Radiology team were great and agreed to put him in the machine feet first (that’s not always possible – it depends on the body area the MRI is for). They gave him a few seconds to find as comfortable a position as possible and even packed pads around a painful arm to support it since it aches if it’s in one position for too long. “I was able to pretty much zone out most of the time”, Husband declares, clearly hugely relieved.
He’s never had Diazepam before but is convinced that it helped him. He admits that his reaction times were a bit slow after it and he wouldn’t have been able to drive but he still felt ‘himself’ and had no ill effects. He took just one 5mg tablet about 50 minutes before the MRI. If he has to have another MRI – which he almost certainly will one day – he thinks it would be better to take the Diazepam a bit earlier since the maximum effect seemed to kick in after the MRI. He did have a small breakfast and a small strong coffee before taking it so the Diazepam was probably fighting its way through the caffeine too.
I am a planner by nature, Husband not so much… I always want to have a plan (with backups!). But Husband admits that on this occasion having a practical step by step plan was helpful because it gave him something to do, a means of mitigating some of the major stressors and crucially, a feeling of some measure of control.
So now we wait. Again. But the MRI went far better than we could have hoped so we’re grateful for that.
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