We have an appointment with a general surgeon to discuss the splenectomy. I hope he’s as human as the cancer guys are.
Husband is looking rather grey but is feeling okay, or would be if he could sleep properly. I am exhausted, partly from reading about lymphoma, splenectomy et al but I also feel the need to get as many jobs done in advance of what’s coming – the op, post op recuperation, monitoring and potential treatment.
I keep feeling the need to ‘get ready’ – reading, house cleaning, anything to give the illusion of some measure of control where there is none.
It’s as if I fear that if I slow down things will fall apart. Maybe I fear that I will fall apart so I keep going, even with ‘pointless busy work’ as Lisa Simpson calls it : -) .
I know I need to slow down and more than anything to pray but somehow I keep getting sucked in to activity for the sake of it. I’ve been wondering if I’m hiding my head in the sand a bit – after the first few weeks of intense pain I seem to be much more focused on the mundane tasks we have to do. There’s been no change and no news on the cancer so perhaps we’re just being practical but I wonder.
I also wonder if I’m too optimistic after the change in advice on the liver scan. It could mean years longer in remission but the op is a significant hurdle in itself and there’s a permanent risk of infection afterwards.
I’m trying not to overreact (can one overreact to cancer?) and have an emotional meltdown but I don’t want to con myself either.
I keep getting sucked in to statistics, as if Google and I can work out the odds of survival. God is greater than the statistics and only He knows what will happen and when.
I need to pray more than google!