Appointment cancelled

posted in: Cancer, Cancer and faith 0

Mr Surgeon’s secretary rang to say he may not be able to make the appointment this afternoon and if so she has no idea when it’ll be rescheduled for. Poor woman – she will no doubt have several of these awful calls to make. She’s calling back within the hour to confirm either way but is hopeful he’ll be able to make it.

This feels unnecessarily cruel. I understand completely that the specialist may be unable to make it – stuff happens. What I don’t understand is a system that refuses to tell me if I have cancer or not (a bit over dramatic but I really want to know so that I can plan!). I can’t see why they can’t email the scan reports to me etc. For some reason they think it’s easier to wait for weeks (unknown period) and then go in to a public place to get the news. I’d much rather someone emailed or called me and frankly I don’t care if a barista reads the report to me. I’ll manage perfectly well with Google and my rusty PhD skills to get my head around the essentials. All I really need to know is if it’s cancer and, ideally, if it’s treatable but I guess I can wait for that if need be.

It’s terribly self-indulgent but I’d like to be able to focus on what’s happening physically. I’d like to spend today praying and keeping calm and enjoying walking the dog and stuff – to take things at a slower pace than normal, to try to make things a bit easier physically – there’s always a knock-on effect with the ME from any emotional hiccup or stress.

I just want to do one thing at a time. But I don’t have that luxury. I guess no-one has that luxury.

Even if the news is good it’s been a stressful time and the ME is making me feel pretty useless – I could do with a day or so to get over the worst of that. Then there’s the melanoma possibility … I hate the uncertainty and the wait but I keep trying to remember that so very many people in this world have no access to medical care at all.

Still waiting for her call. Over an hour after she said she’d know. I know it’s not her fault but the wait is stressful.

She calls. Mr Surgeon is unable to get into work so we’ll need to reschedule until next week. They haven’t received the histology results anyway. So much for ‘urgent’.

I’m finding this waiting thing really tough, largely due to a wholly unrealistic instinct to organise. Dear Lord help me to realise that I cannot organise this thing. I am wasting energy trying but this is beyond me.

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