Contemplating our Autumn Years

posted in: Cancer and faith 0

I am finding it hard to pray, to order my thoughts, to slow down long enough. No wonder I lack perspective. I think I tend to run away from prayer when things are tough because when I pray I end up being honest about how things are. And they’re hard. And they’re scary. And I’d rather not face that. Even with God. When things get really bad I run to God – I have no option – and I am so very conscious that however bad it gets He’s there and there’s nothing He can’t handle. It’s all the silly mini stressy days I try to handle on my own that are the problem.

Husband looks pretty well at the moment. Up until last summer he didn’t feel his age but now he’s starting to. When he gets home from work he goes to bed for an hour. I’m not sure if he’s doing it because he can because he has the opportunity (and he needs to) or because he really really needs to. He clearly has far more energy than I do with the ME but I can’t help but be concerned.

Looking around at old photos it hits me that we’ve had a good life together. I’m sorry I didn’t always realise how good it was – too busy working. It’s still good (not easy by any means but good) but we’ve suddenly gone into our Autumn years and I wasn’t expecting that. Maybe no-one ever expects it. I just thought we had a couple of years before Autumn set in but it’s here.

Autumn can be cosy, full of home comforts and enjoyable trips into the outdoors but it’s scary because winter is lurking around the corner – just out of sight but there, waiting.

Lord, how do I deal with this grief that threatens to swallow me up whole?

Thank you that we’re not there yet. And when we are you will be too.

I am a useless Christian. I serve an amazing God but I serve so badly. Whatever happens, He is awesome.

Mum talked to me about where I would live ‘after’. Powerful little word. There will be an ‘after Husband’, an ‘after Mum’, an ‘after dog’. It’s weird to think of me living on after they are gone. After. Will I have an after? Will it just be filled with echoes? ‘After’ scares me. But God will be there. There is no ‘after God’.

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