We walk in to see Dr Inscrutable, trying to read his face. Is he looking relaxed? Red cells are up .4 to 143, platelets up to 373. “You must be brimming with energy”, comments the Doc, looking very pleased. “It’s … Read More
Husband feels pretty good all things considered. He’s walking faster and more easily than he was during the first cycle. He isn’t sleeping well, though and the steroids are not exactly helping. His ankles are a bit swollen – seems to … Read More
One can’t prepare for loss. More than once in my life I’ve been sure I knew what was coming (eg my cancer that wasn’t) and mourned in advance. This overwhelming stress was pointless yet ultimately so good for me. I … Read More
I’m grieving before time. Perhaps that’s inevitable but I think it’s more my faulty thinking. I used to panic Husband would have an accident, now I panic about the lymphoma. There is no evidence to support my fears. This is … Read More
Things got a bit crappier today. We went to the hospital for what we thought would be a routine appointment. I really must learn that no such thing exists when it comes to cancer. We assumed that things would be … Read More
I am finding it hard to pray, to order my thoughts, to slow down long enough. No wonder I lack perspective. I think I tend to run away from prayer when things are tough because when I pray I end … Read More
Husband is in remission, I have been told I do not have cancer. Yet we’re both drained by running our small business. There is a horrible false sense of normality while we’re working but the reality is Husband is very … Read More
We’re waiting. That’s tougher than it sounds. I’m not sure if this is the calm before or after this particular storm. Either way the current calm is unnerving. Nothing is happening. But the storm is out there. Things have been … Read More
This evening I could barely eat I felt so sick. Husband managed to eat. We must both have been in shock but he seemed better able to deal with it. He’s good at compartmentalising things, not stressing until he has … Read More
Oh God it’s cancer. At least we know. After weeks of tests showing normal this definitely isn’t. We head back to the lift. I’m glad of the lift. I don’t think I could manage the stairs. Could we speak to … Read More