Week 1 of Chemo round 2

Husband feels pretty good all things considered. He’s walking faster and more easily than he was during the first cycle. He isn’t sleeping well, though and the steroids are not exactly helping. His ankles are a bit swollen – seems to come and go – and he has a white patch inside his mouth but it’s much smaller than last time.

He feels better than he did during the first cycle but he’s been losing a few eyelashes. He’s just conscious of finding them sometimes in his eyes. It’s an unpleasant reminder of what’s happening to him. So far he hasn’t had any joint pain or heavy limbs this time. He still feels a bit bloated, especially in the evening but he’s found that taking short walks helps.

He felt a bit more awake this afternoon but we’re both operating at about 40% capacity at the moment. That’s not great when you have a small business to run. I feel overwhelmed – everything seems beyond my meagre capacity at the moment. Inevitably I also feel guilty – I’m not the one with an incurable cancer, yet I’m the one feeling overwhelmed.

I can’t begin to imagine life without Husband. I need to try to live with him in a way that I won’t regret, to be what he needs me to be. Lord please work in me so that he sees your love through me. Lord have mercy – none of us deserve it but we are lost without it.

I went to bed to cry and pray – and find some perspective. It occurred that almost all the things that feel overwhelming are actually blessings. We have a little business we can be proud of, we have a home (desperately cluttered and drowning under the weight of business paraphernalia!) and the dog is worth his weight in gold.

The ME is draining me at the moment. It’s so depressing to have so little energy, to be permanently fatigued and to know that there’s nothing you can do about it. However, weakness and fatigue remind me of my limitations, help me to be more understanding of others and, most importantly, make me look to God. I have a horrible feeling I’d be unbearably driven if I had good health.

I go in search of Husband. He stretches, smiles and declares “I feel quite good” 🙂 .

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