One can’t prepare for loss. More than once in my life I’ve been sure I knew what was coming (eg my cancer that wasn’t) and mourned in advance. This overwhelming stress was pointless yet ultimately so good for me. I had to get really low to realise how much I needed God. When I went to him he gave me peace like I’ve never known before.
I think I’m beginning to understand that I can’t see what’s happening with Husband’s health (even the doctors can’t) and it’s just as well. I have to let the doctors be doctors and God be God. I need to focus on my job, my role, not theirs.
It hit me that I can’t live as if the worst is happening all the time – the fear and grief will eat me alive and render me useless. If one day they say there’s no more that they can do, that it’s terminal, that’s the time to prepare to really face the worst. Right now it’s time to live.
I need to stop trying to find out everything. One thing at a time. One day at a time. If I knew what was going to happen (possibly what’s happening now) I might implode from the pain of it. I can’t fight the battles of the future today.
Christ has conquered everything, including death so I need to look to him for answers, for strength, not to myself. I don’t have the strength or wisdom to deal with things but he does.
‘Be still and know that I am God.’
I am not. I can change nothing other than how we experience this.