I’m grieving before time. Perhaps that’s inevitable but I think it’s more my faulty thinking. I used to panic Husband would have an accident, now I panic about the lymphoma.
There is no evidence to support my fears. This is a long term illness, I cannot allow my fear to eat up every day. It will weaken me beyond the point of uselessness and will be depressing for him. I don’t want him to see his illness every time he looks at me. I want him to see my love for him, my hope for some good days, for many more good times. And please God may he one day see God’s love, maybe even reflected through his deeply imperfect wife.
I have always been overly conscious of loss and death. Perhaps it’s partly because we lost our father when we were children (through his choice, not death) and again as adults when he erupted into our lives briefly for 2 days after an absence of over 20 years. I cried over my dog as a puppy because I knew he would die! We all die! But there’s a really important life to focus on living before the dying. We are given life for a reason.
I can either choose to focus on life or death. Clearly one shouldn’t pretend death doesn’t exist but if we focus on it fearfully and continually it will poison life and life is a gift from God that we shouldn’t waste.
God knows our fears, our weaknesses. He is right here. He’s also where we’re going – there will be no surprises for Him.
God does not fear death. He feels the anguish of his people but he is greater than death – Jesus’ resurrection proves it.
Our perspective is so limited. If we truly understood even a fraction of Heaven we wouldn’t fear death and loss so much.
I fear that which I can’t control … ie everything 🙂 . It’s just as well my sphere of control is limited because even when I feel I’m firing on all cylinders I can get things badly wrong. I can’t see enough of a situation, past, present, future, to get it right.
Death is not outside God’s control.
God knows all our pasts and futures, He has the full perspective and the wisdom and power to run the universe. It is not my job to try.
No-one will ever die just as they were trying to reach out to God. The shepherd finds his sheep in the parable, the criminal on the cross was given those precious minutes he needed to turn to God. It is dangerous to put off turning to God until a more convenient time (we all do it) because we don’t know how long we have but it’s inconceivable that God would lose one of those he knew would turn to him.
Death does not surprise God or impose its timing on him. It can’t get in the way of him saving those who come to him.
That’s what I need to think of when death comes to mind. Christ declared on the cross, “It is finished!” – death and sin were conquered . He didn’t say “I hope this will work” or “I’ve done my bit, the rest is up to them”. We can mess up our lives (I have done… repeatedly) but we cannot mess up our salvation because it doesn’t depend on us. Jesus did it all.