Husband is in remission, I have been told I do not have cancer. Yet we’re both drained by running our small business. There is a horrible false sense of normality while we’re working but the reality is Husband is very ill and we don’t know when and how the cancer will manifest itself next. Just that it will.
I am stuck in a cycle of over-work. It’s toxic. I just don’t know how to stop. I’m afraid that if I stop running on my little wheel like a demented stressed hamster our world will fall apart. It already has fallen apart. Maybe I have to acknowledge that. Mourn that. Face that. And look for the best way forward.
I feel like I don’t have time to spend with God then I wonder why I feel out of kilter, lost, dissatisfied. It’s because I AM out of kilter! Only God can give the balance, the peace I crave. Yet rather than go to Him I keep working, running around pointlessly in stressed out circles until I collapse at His feet.
Yesterday I was so stressed by customers that I actually told Husband I’d been happier when I thought I was dying because I felt I was on the home straight, I had focus, I knew what was happening. Rather than telling me off for being so selfish (and frankly cruel – his cancer cannot be cured), he told me he understood. That’s more than I do. I apologised later and told him I hadn’t been reading my Bible and so had lost all perspective. He was surprisingly understanding about that too. I become an absolute stress troll when I haven’t been reading my Bible.
As we were getting ready for work he said something about me having to think about what I’d do when he was gone. He said he thinks about it every day. My heart breaks for him and for me. He mentioned something about maybe needing to do lots of things in a short time, like a sort of bucket list. I don’t know if that’s because he feels he’s getting ill again or because he’s conscious that time is not unlimited and he wants to make the most of what we have.
I would give anything to take this from him. But I can’t. The prospect of facing my own death without him scares me so maybe if I’m here for him that’s better for him. It’s not so long ago I was begging God to let me live long enough to take care of him. It looks like I’ll be able to. I don’t want him facing hospital appointments alone, needing someone to make him a drink or just wrap a blanket around him and having no-one. He has family and they’re great but he’d much rather be at home than have to up sticks to the opposite end of the country.