‘What ifs’ between tests

posted in: Cancer, Cancer and faith 0

Cancer takes so much – hope for the future because this cancer is incurable – and even the present because we’re never quite sure how active it’s being. But cancer cannot take the soul. Husband isn’t sure he has one of those…

Husband has been doing physical jobs in the garden, as if he’s doing things while he still can. I think he’s worried his red cell count will have gone down again, although in theory it’s reasonable to hope for stability. It’s hard to enjoy even good days because of the terrifying undercurrent of ‘what ifs’ as we await the next blood test.

I am a wreck, feeling wretched but not sure why – and I dare not think about it really. I desperately need to spend more time reading the Bible and praying. When it looked like I had cancer Husband was really understanding about me needing time to do these things. Somehow it was easier to prioritise the time. We are just so stupidly busy.

Even as I pray for help and perspective I think I’m stupidly compelled to keep trying to sort things out myself. As if my efforts can make a difference!

I am not God. I am not a doctor. I am his wife – that is my job.

The answer isn’t to do more but to pray more – to pray to the only one who can do something and has the wisdom to know what to do.

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