January 1st. Happy New Year!
This morning Husband announced he felt ‘pretty good’ :-). We had 2 lovely walks and he spent some time in the garden. He really didn’t want to do his tax return 🙂 .
Day 1. Time for the second dose of RCVP. We arrived at 8 am but for some unknown reason there was another long wait for Rituximab. We are just so grateful to have the treatment. The nurses made the best use of time they could, giving the Vincristine and Cyclophosphamide first. Apart from a slight metallic taste he feels fine. There’s no need for a test dose of Rituximab today so we’re just waiting for the one Darth Vader bag.
Day 2. Husband slept rather poorly but feels otherwise fine. He can manage a couple of 15-30 minute walks a day in fields and on country lanes and unlike last week his legs don’t feel heavy. He has no significant symptoms at the moment.
Meanwhile I am running on empty. We’re supposed to be finalising advertising for the coming year. I’ve always hated this. We’re all about looking after people as well as we can and there’s no way of putting what we actually do in a way that doesn’t sound cheesy. Marketing feels horribly like saying ‘Please like us’. I wish we didn’t care so much :-), that this business was just about money. But it’s not. It’s an extension of us – it’s the culmination of so many years’ work, experience, struggle. It’s our hopes, our dreams, a link to our youth. And now it’s time to get ready to say goodbye – to the business and all the things it represents.
I am so very tired. It occurred to me that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I need a long term strategy rather than just surviving, lurching from one doctor’s appointment to the next.
I cannot keep going as I am. I am burning out. I need to look after my own health to be able to look after him.
I’m being frustratingly slow with things because I’m sleep deprived. There’s so much to do but I am struggling to find the energy or mental focus. I am so slow with everything at the moment, so conscious of not having enough time to do things.
Perhaps there’s never enough time – that’s why it counts so much. There will always be time for God’s key purposes but if we stuff up we waste time. And there really isn’t any to waste.
Should we try to keep the business going this year? Next year even? If he feels good he won’t want to give up. Maybe I should support that?
Plenty of people with cancer try to continue to work but being self-employed feels like such a gamble – we have to bring the work in as well as do it. The docs clearly expect him to continue working. I’d hate him to feel forced to give up. What would we do?
We can’t just sit around waiting to die.