Lymphoma Monitoring

posted in: Cancer, Cancer and faith 0

I’m still feeling washed out, brain struggling but I manage to take the dog for a short walk. My legs feel like lead, muscles aching as if I’ve been running.

Husband has an appointment with the haematologist. It’s been some weeks since we were last at the hospital for Husband. It’s a horrible reminder that he has cancer. He’s currently tanned and looking well but we have no idea what may be lurking beneath. It’s horrible. He’s felt fine before and the numbers have been disappointing.

They struggled to get any blood at first but managed on his second arm. Husband dozed in waiting room. I caught up on notes. Can’t help but feel sick.

We’ve had struggles over the years but we’ve always been best friends and now we’re closer than ever. We’d love to plan a retirement together but I have this dread that we won’t get to. Of course I don’t know. Perhaps no-one does.

Our relationship with God is the only thing we can carry into eternity and it is our only hope. The more serious my health issues seemed to be the more liberated I felt in a way. It was so clearly beyond me that all I could do was place it in God’s hands. My husband doesn’t have that. All he has is me. And I don’t know if this gnawing fear in my gut is justified or not.

So far I have a 0% success rate on the doom prediction front. I was convinced I wouldn’t come round from anaesthesia last year. But I did. I was convinced that I had cancer. I do not. Even I have to admit that the evidence is that my gut cannot be trusted.

God is infallible and all seeing. I am not. He is all powerful (which goes well with the all seeing and all knowing). I am not. It is not my job to try to foretell the future and frankly it’s probably just as well I can’t. Even if I could I wouldn’t know what to do. So I need to leave it to the one who does.

I am madly running in circles trying to keep busy, to not have to contemplate the sadness of it all.

I’m not praying as much as I should be / need to be because praying brings me face to face with reality. Praying honestly means I have to admit to God how terrified I am and how bad things might be on a human level. Of course God doesn’t exist on that limited level.

I’m not usually specific in prayer and I’m wondering if I’m being nudged to have the faith to be specific. So I’m praying that God would improve the blood counts, knock the cancer back to give Husband a good remission. Most of all I pray that God would open his eyes to his existence, his love, his peace. Dying is scary but the idea of dying without God is so terrifying and so sad – to face it all alone.

I feel like death is encamped around us but I can’t quite see where it is. It’s just lurking in the darkness.

My faith is so weak in spite of all God has done. I’m asking God to give me wisdom, his perspective and to remember that husband is in remission – 5 months :-).

We so desperately want to get to Europe together in September.

Dr Inscrutable looked relaxed when we went in and was smiling. I didn’t know his facial muscles could move for the first few months we saw him 🙂 – there was no discernible evidence of expression.

The bloods are stable and while we’d love to see the red cells go up a bit (count today was 107, 105 last time) Dr I said there was no need to read anything into it, nothing to be concerned about. They’ve always said they’re more interested in trends and how Husband is feeling than the straight numbers, which are just snapshots of a moment in a given day. Dr I is a haematologist so if he says the tiny variation isn’t significant it’s not. According to him the blood levels have been ‘the same’ since the splenectomy ie stable.

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